


Sex Embargo

by hypocorism



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Eleanor Is A Beard, Established Relationship, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Perrie Is A Beard, Shenanigans, eleanor is fantastic as well, no-sex bet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:17:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypocorism/pseuds/hypocorism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Louis should never be left alone. Liam wishes he were a solo artist (most of the time). Harry is a puppy. Niall's just along for the ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Long Nights, Hard Times](https://archiveofourown.org/works/409130) by [drunktuesdays](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunktuesdays/pseuds/drunktuesdays). 



> LN,HT was my gateway drug into this fandom. Much love.
> 
> Niall and Gemma probably won't be here much, the other four will be.

It all starts when Liam has to 'casually' jump in to cover for Harry and Louis being completely obvious for the hundredth time.

Zayn and Louis take off first, the three other boys staying behind to snap a few pictures. What starts out as mild ribbing escalates quickly; Louis is cranky, Zayn didn't get quite enough sleep, and their better halves aren't there to stop the argument before it starts.

"It's _ridiculous_ ," Zayn snaps. "You two have been dating for forever. You should be able to keep your hands off each other for five minutes. It's a good thing Liam, at least, pays attention."

"Shut it, Zayn. Like you two aren't constantly mooning over each other."

"We aren't _obvious_ about it."

"It was _obvious_ this morning when you woke me up with your sex noises at half six." Zayn only smirks. Louis pinches his nipple.

"Oi! What was that for?"

"You are the worst. Harry and I may not be subtle," Zayn snorts, "but neither are you and Liam."

"We've only been together a couple months."

"We get watched way more closely." Zayn just rolls his eyes at this and Louis smiles to himself, pleased at his airtight argument.

"I still think you two need to take it down a notch. I mean, did you really need to suck on his finger in the middle of an interview?"

"He started it! You saw the whispering!"

"You always claim he starts it."

"He does. The boy is a menace." Before Zayn can respond the door opens and Liam walks in, yawning. Zayn can't stop himself from smiling fondly, and Louis laughs. Zayn whirls back to face him, eyes narrowed.

"What's going on then, lads?" Liam asks, cautiously.

"Your boyfriend is jealous of Harry and I."

"That is _so not_ what is happening here, Louis." Liam looks confused. Zayn goes over and wraps his arms around him. "Louis is just being a baby. I'm telling him it's not fair on you that he and Harry are so blatant in interviews." Liam looks uncertain.

"You know I don't mind covering for you two. I know last week was hard with Eleanor here." Zayn looks betrayed, Louis triumphant.

"See, Liam agrees with me."

"I didn't…that's not exactly…" Liam sputters while Zayn marches back over to Louis.

"Liam does _not_ agree with you."

"What am I meant to be agreeing to?" Liam got far too little sleep for this.

"That we have more self-control than you two," Louis says. Zayn laughs.

"Louis, I love you but self-control is not one of your talents."

"False."

"True. Why is Harry not allowed to stay over when Eleanor's here, again?" Zayn asks. Louis blushes a little.

"Because we had sex in her bed," he mutters. Liam chuckles a little. "It wasn't funny." Louis exclaims "She hits hard."

-x-

It had been rather funny, even Eleanor thought so. Later. At the time she had just yelled for twenty minutes about how they were ruining her sheets ("It's a _hotel_." "Interrupt me again, Louis!") and how she never wanted to see that much of Harry Styles' ass ever again.

"Honestly, Louis! You couldn't walk across the room and have sex in your own fucking bed? What is wrong with you? I swear, this job is so trying sometimes. Both of you are sleeping on the floor tonight. And Harry, I can still see your dick."

"But there are two beds," Louis whined "why do we have to sleep on the floor?" Harry pinched him.

"It's okay, El. We'll sleep on the floor. We're sorry." Harry smiled at her sweetly but she just raised an eyebrow. Fake-dating Louis had made her immune to adorable facial expressions.

"And never again, I'm serious. Sex embargo while Eleanor is in town." Harry gaped.

"Harsh, Eleanor."

"Shut it, Louis. Now you two clear out so I can take a shower." Louis pouted and slunk out, Harry trailing behind him. Later, he tried to get Liam to 'reason with her' but failed.

"It was quite rude of you. She's just doing her job, Louis, you don't have to make it more difficult for her."

"You just say that because you're scared of her."

"Am not." Liam said, blushing. He was.

"El's scary, mate," Zayn called out from the sink where he was brushing his teeth. "You just have no instinct for self-preservation."

Louis pouted and Harry patted his shoulder.

-x-

"In any case," Louis said dramatically, "that is neither here nor there. I still think that you and Liam are worse than me and Harry. I reiterate: six. in. the. morning. Too early, Zayn." Liam turned red and shifted a bit.

"Sorry about that, Louis."

"Mhm," Louis said, still staring Zayn down. "So do you cave?"

"No way. You two are tragically codependent."

"Are not."

"Are, too. And you're at it like rabbits constantly." Louis just grins at this. "That's not a compliment, Lou. For fuck's sake."

"Sounded like one." Zayn rolled his eyes.

"I bet you two couldn't even go a week without sex."

"Could too. Last week. When El was here."

"Sex includes sneaky handjobs in a supply closet. You two are not subtle."

"Fine. No sex for a week. But you and Liam can't either. I want to prove we can outlast you."

"Fine."

"Hold on a second," Liam said, alarmed.

"In fact," Louis said, smiling maliciously, "no orgasms at all."

"Wait…this involves me and Harry, too. You can't just…"

"Agreed," Zayn said, sticking out his hand. Before Louis could shake it, though, the door opened again and Harry walked in.

"That took forever," he said, flinging himself on one of the beds. "They've still got a hold of Niall." Louis tried not to stare at the strip of skin where Harry's shirt was riding up. He failed. Zayn noticed.

"It's okay, Lou. Just admit you were wrong. No hard feelings." Louis felt entirely justified in punching Zayn's arm.

"No way. Bet's still on."

"A bet. What about." Harry sat up excitedly. Liam sighed.

"No. No bets. This is a terrible idea, Zayn. Harry, tell Louis it's a terrible idea."

"Aw, come on, Liam. It might be fun."

"Harry, you don't even know what it is." Liam said in his _why did I get stuck in this band I'm currently picturing my blissfully peaceful solo career_ voice. Harry just shrugs. "It's a no-sex bet, Harry."

"No!" Harry nearly falls over leaping out of the bed. "Not again!"

"Again." Louis says grimly.

"You two are so weird," Zayn mutters. "And Liam, the bicep curls are not going to work. Don't even try sit-ups."

"I'm not…that's not why I'm doing them!" Liam lies.

"Take your shirt off, Liam," Harry says wildly. "Why did you let them get to this point!?" Liam bats Harry's hands away from his shirt only to have to make a desperate grab for his belt.

"Harry, stop."

"Take one for the team, Liam! I can't do another one of these!"

"See, even Harry agrees with me. You two have no self-control." Harry stops and turns around, squinty-eyed.

"What? We do so."

"You were literally just trying to undress my boyfriend in an attempt to seduce me out of keeping you away from Louis' dick for a week." Harry can't exactly deny this, but he gets a stubborn look in his eye that makes Liam wish he had just taken his pants off when there was still a chance of derailing this.

"Oh, we can so beat you at this. I have amazing self-control." Louis tries to think about kittens being murdered so he doesn't laugh at this.

"Harry. No. Not you, too."

"Stakes?" Harry is serious now. Liam gives up and goes to lie down. Maybe they will all die in a horrible fire and only he will be left. Or he and Niall. That would be acceptable.


	2. Documentation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe anyone is actually reading this. Bless.

By the time Liam wakes up, there are rules and Niall has somehow been roped into being the no-sex-bet-commissioner. He looks a little shell-shocked. Generally, Liam is the one stuck playing daddy when Louis and Zayn go particularly mad.

Somehow, setting the rules led to Harry being covered in sharpie and produced several...

"Is that a flowchart, Louis?"

"Yes. Now sit down, we have to go over rules." You had to admire their level of commitment, Liam supposed. Louis had his glasses perched on the end of his nose and a beanie slowly sliding off the back of his head. He looked like a particularly sloppy teacher; Liam half expected him to whip out a laser pointer and start lecturing.

"Why does Harry have sharpie all over…no, Niall, don't draw on him _more_."

"Yeah, Niall, stop that. The sharpie has a purpose," Zayn smirked.

"Fine," Niall pouted a little but stopped drawing an absurdly hairy penis on Harry's forearm.

"A purpose." Liam said flatly.

"Yes. Zayn wanted to demonstrate all the places I 'inappropriately touch Harry in public.'"

"But then it sort of devolved," Niall says. He's gone back to adding hairs. Liam sighs and pulls the sharpie out of his hand.

"Couldn't you use something washable? We have a concert tomorrow." The four of them just shrug at him.

"Liam, take a seat please." Louis pushes his glasses up his nose. Zayn giggles. "Now," Louis declares when Liam is seated, "for the rules. Zayn and I made them."

"Don't I get any input?"

"No. Harry doesn't get any either. Now are you going to listen?" Liam looks to Harry for support, but he's now drawing on Niall with a different sharpie. Liam sighs. _Why, Simon? Why me?_ Zayn gestures to one of the pieces of paper tacked up on the wall.

"Rule one: no more disrupting interviews. Seriously, Louis, you have to follow this one or you guys lose."

"It's always Harry starting it!"

"Not _always_ ," Harry protests half-heartedly, still drawing. Liam takes the sharpie. "Heyyyy. I was using that."

"Stop drawing on each other." Niall laughs at Harry's exaggerated pout. Louis looks annoyed.

"Harry, stop being a distraction."

"Sorry, Lou. I'm listening," Harry smiles. Zayn mimes gagging.

"Ugh. None of that either."

"Not in the rules," Louis chirps. "Now, rule two. Obvious, no orgasms. Including for you, Liam."

"I never agreed to this. Why am I suddenly involved in this bet?"

"Fine. If you don't want to be involved then I guess you two lose!"

"Okay. Great. We lose. Can this be over now?"

" _Liam_ ," Zayn looks completely betrayed.

"This is so stupid, Z."

"You don't even know the stakes, yet." Liam sighs. Louis' grin is positively evil.

"What is it, post something embarrassing on Twitter? We'll live."

"No…"

"Louis, you don't have to do a dramatic pause after everything you say," Zayn says.

"You have to…" Zayn sighs, "hush Zayn I'm trying to do some buildup here!"

"You already did the buildup! Hurry up or I'll just tell him myself."

"Don't you dare!" While they are arguing, Liam notices that Niall has somehow gotten yet another sharpie and is sneakily doodling on his own foot. Liam confiscates that one as well.

"Where are you even getting them from?" No response.

"As I was saying," Louis interrupts loudly, "the losers of the bet have to confess their past transgressions!" Louis wiggles his eyebrows like he expects a major reaction to this but Liam is still lost.

"What does that mean?"

"Means we have to tell Perrie that it was us who bleached the bottom half of all her shirts last month."

"That was _you two_! She blamed me for it! Yelled for over an hour and then made me take her shopping!"

"Sorry about that, Niall," Liam blushes.

"So," Louis pulls out his phone, fingers poised over the screen. "Shall I call Perrie? You give in already, Liam?"

"Hold on!" Liam lurches to his feet, trying to get the phone away from Louis. "I never said we'd give in!"

"Technically, you did," Louis chirps snottily, holding his phone behind his back. Liam continues trying to grab for it and Louis finally laughs and puts it back in his pocket. "Fine, bet's still on then." Liam backs away, relieved.

"Wait, so you two are going to take responsibility for the shirts if you lose?"

"No," Harry chimes in, "we have to tell Eleanor that we broke her super expensive heels over Christmas."

"Oh yes, the ones the 'deranged vandal' burgled your room for. I still can't believe she bought that."

"I'm extraordinarily convincing," Louis preened.

"Why did you use the nice ones anyway?"

"Why did they do a race down the hall in stilettos after having drunk the entire contents of the minibar, Zayn? Looking for logic in the wrong place here, mate."

"It was fun," Harry shrugged.

"Hang on, Harry, are you drawing on Niall again? How many markers do you have!? Does concert tomorrow mean nothing to any of you?" Liam pulls the sharpie away from Harry, who is pouting again. Now that Liam is standing close enough, he notices an enormous pile of writing utensils piled between Harry and Niall. He sighs and starts gathering them up.

"Are you confiscating our office supplies, Liam?" Louis is amused. Liam is not.

"Yes. Now take your crap off the walls and go to sleep. We've got an early day."

"So you're in," Louis claps his hands.

"If it will shut you lot up, then yes. I'm in." Liam is completely certain he will regret this. He is right.


	3. Start Me Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to be working on Nanowrimo...oops. Instead this stupid thing keeps writing itself.

Harry is particularly unbearable at the concert the next day, in Louis' opinion. At one point, he's practically humping his mic stand while smirking over at Louis from under his eyelashes. Even Liam is staring at him. It hasn't even been a whole day and Louis is already regretting his choices.

Zayn, sensing an opportunity, upends his water bottle over Harry in the middle of What Makes You Beautiful, which Harry then uses as an excuse to pull his shirt off and whip it out into the screaming crowd. _Fuck_. He's truly on fire tonight, wet curls, damp shorts, sweaty shirtlessness, and a pouty smirk. They're offstage for barely twenty seconds before Louis has him backed up against a wall.

"Why are you sabotaging us?" he pulls back to breathe for a second before diving back at Harry's mouth.

"Forgot about the bet," Harry mutters, sliding his lips down to Louis' neck. Louis whimpers and pushes against him only to be yanked backwards by a pair of strong arms.

"Liam!" Zayn snaps, "We almost just won! What are you doing?"

"We are meant to be signing autographs in five minutes and these two need to be decent. Harry, go put a shirt on." Harry winks at Louis and slips off to the dressing room. Louis pokes Liam in the ribs, possibly a bit harder than was warranted if the pained grunt he gets in response is any indication.

"You can let me go now, Liam."

Liam sighs as Louis wanders off as well.

"I can't believe you just did that."

"Am I the only one who remembers our commitments?" Liam can tell he's being a bit whiney but doesn't particularly care. Zayn just laughs and kisses him softly before going to get ready as well.

-x-

The next few days go by quickly. It's a particularly busy part of the tour; they rush from interviews to concerts to meet-ups with barely a moment to themselves. Zayn kicks around a few plots to try and hurry the bet along, but Liam is being annoyingly noble about the whole thing.

"I don't think locking them in a closet is a great idea, Zayn. Don't you want to win fairly?"

"Not particularly," Zayn mutters, shifting around a bit. He can feel Liam's dick pressed up against his ass and thinks maybe spooning wasn't the greatest idea. "Don't you want this to be over?"

"Of course I do!" Zayn turns over.

"Hold on. Is this because you're feeling guilty about the Perrie thing?"

"No," Liam doesn't meet his eyes.

"She wasn't even that mad about it!"

"I know. It's just…she's always so nice to me! I feel horrible about it every time I talk to her."

"You 'feel horrible' for playing a silly prank?"

"On Perrie, yes." Liam is blushing and squirming and, fuck, that shouldn't be as hot as it is. Zayn leans in and kisses him, sliding his fingers slowly down Liam's arm to capture his fingers.

"You're adorable," he says, smiling against Liam's mouth. They kiss softly for a while, Zayn digging his nails into his own palm to try and keep it gentle and sweet instead of pushing things further like he desperately wants to.

Why does he ever listen to Louis?

-x-

Around day four, Harry is realizing the extent of his mistake. It's not like he and Louis have sex every single day. Sometimes they get busy on tour or have no privacy. Sometimes they're both exhausted and just want to cuddle. Occasionally they're fighting and not speaking to each other, although that generally leads to make-up sex on every available surface so Harry isn't entirely sure that counts. There's something about not being allowed sleep together, though, that is driving Harry crazy. It's like, suddenly everything Louis does is a thousand times hotter and Harry just wants to throw him over his shoulder and carry him off to bed.

"Harry you're making your creepy pervert face," Niall whispers in his ear. Harry ignores him.

"It's actually disturbing. Please stop." Zayn whispers in his other ear.

"This is all your fault. You don't get to criticize how I cope."

"My fault! Your boyfriend started it!" Liam is glaring at them from where he and Louis are being interviewed. None of them notice. Louis fixes his fringe and smiles up at the interviewer and Harry whimpers a little.

Someone comes to collect the three of them for their own interview. Harry trips over his own feet when Louis smiles across the room at him and waves a little.


	4. Escalation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love some feedback on this. Like, do people want me to finish it? Is it slightly more interesting than watching paint dry?
> 
> Did we all sob at SOML today?

Zayn is fairly certain he's going to feel guilty about this later, but he's going to do it anyway. He woke up that morning to a very shirtless, very sweaty Liam doing chin-ups on a bar in the doorway and still hasn't gotten enough blood back up to his brain to really think through the implications of what he is about to do.

It takes some planning. Zayn has to choose a time when he knows he can get Harry alone for a few minutes, but he also has to be fairly certain Louis will show up before too long. It's possible that the plot would have fizzled out after a couple days, Zayn already feels mildly bad about it, but opportunity strikes quickly and Zayn acts.

Liam and Niall are out. Gemma is flying in the next day and Niall won't shut up about it. Harry keeps switching between talking excitedly with Niall and giving him meandering speeches about _what Gemma deserves in a boyfriend_ and with lots of _I know everything you've done Niall you'd better not hurt my sister_. They generally start out impressively scary and then degenerate quickly into slap fights. Louis and Zayn, on the same page for the first time since the bet started, have about hit their limit of Harry and Niall interaction. Liam gets recruited to take Niall 'somewhere, anywhere, Liam. Just get him out of here so I don't have to listen to one more of Harry's ridiculous monologues!'

Louis takes advantage of the quiet to go get in the shower, and Zayn and Harry are left alone. Zayn waits a few minutes to make sure Louis isn't going to pop back out right away to grab his shampoo or something, and then slowly starts to move in.

Harry's sitting and idly flipping through channels, shifting around a bit like he can't quite settle in. Zayn slips in next to him and waits for Harry to drop his head on his shoulder.

"So, how are you doing, Harry?"

"'M okay," Harry sighs. "Sleepy."

"How is Louis feeling about the bet?" Harry looks at him sharply.

"Fine," he answers, a little cautiously. "We're doing fine," he adds, more firmly. "Why?" Zayn shrugs.

"Just making conversation."

"Hmm," Harry looks at him suspiciously but Zayn just watches the television. Eventually, Harry relaxes back into him, lulled into a false sense of security. Zayn waits until he hears the shower shut off, and then pounces.

He's already got his hand half inside Harry's shirt, but he slowly pops a few more of the buttons, sliding it down Harry's shoulder.

"Zayn?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Zayn says, leaning a little into Harry's space. They hear a clatter from the doorway and Harry starts back, dislodging Zayn's hand.

"Oh, _hell_ no. Hands off, Malik, you've got your own boyfriend!" Zayn tries to look guilty instead of triumphant as Louis marches over and grabs Harry's wrist, yanking him into his body. Harry grins at Zayn, shooting him a thumbs up. Zayn rolls his eyes. Those two are so easy.

Unfortunately, Zayn has celebrated his victory a little too early. As he leaves Harry and Louis' hotel room to head back to his own, he sees Liam and Niall getting off the lift. Niall looks like he's had too much sugar and Liam looks like he's fighting a headache. And, predictably, Zayn feels guilty.

It's Liam's face that does it. He's clearly exhausted but he's still smiling over at Niall and nodding along to some ridiculous story about Gemma's eight hundredth text message that was just soooo funny.

Zayn walks over and just leans against Liam's chest. Niall, fortunately, takes the hint and heads back to his own room.

"What's wrong?" Liam asks, sweeping his hands soothingly down Zayn's back.

"I did something stupid."

"Let me guess, this is about the bet."

"Yep." Zayn doesn't look up.

"I knew I should never have let you two talk us into this."

"You really shouldn't have, Liam. You're supposed to be the smart one."

"Hey! Don't try and blame this on me!" Liam laughs.

"I've gone to the dark place. I actually had my hand down Harry's top."

"Ah, so you went with the jealousy play."

"Smart, right?" Zayn smirks, finally looking up. Liam just rolls his eyes.

"Come on, go tell them what you did."

"You're having a bad influence on me. I wouldn't have felt bad about this before."

"Sure you would have."

"Well, I wouldn't have let it stop me."

"It's called personal growth, Zayn. 'S a good thing."

-x-

Louis doesn't particularly look like he thinks it's a good thing when he answers the door.

"What do you want, Liam? Did the fact that we didn't answer the first four times you knocked not communicate that maybe we're busy?"

"You've still got Harry attached to you."

"Brilliant observation, Liam. You two have won, I'll phone Eleanor later, now _go away_."

"See Liam? All I did was hurry things along. We would have won anyway."

"Hold on," Louis straightens up and grabs Harry's steadily descending hand to arrest its progress. "What do you mean 'all you did'? Did he tell you about how I walked in on him practically groping Harry? Great boyfriend you have there, Liam."

"Zayn's sorry for trying to make you jealous so that you two would lose the bet."

"Yeah, whatever," Zayn mutters. Liam pokes him.

"Wait, what?" Louis voice has noticeably increased in pitch.

"No worries, Zayn, we're over it. Bye!" Harry tries to pull Louis back into the room while shutting the door, but Louis stands firm, narrowing his eyes.

"Wait, you two _planned_ this?" Liam sputters on about his lack of involvement and Zayn grins, lurching backwards as Louis lunges for him. "I can't believe I almost fell for that! That is literally the stupidest plan I have ever heard!"

"Clearly not as it almost worked," Zayn says from behind the safety of Liam's body.

"Right, you three can figure this out. I'm going for a run."

Louis continues glaring at Zayn. Zayn waves goodbye to Liam and then swivels back to stare at Louis, raising an eyebrow.

"Does this mean we aren't having sex?" Harry asks gloomily.

"Yes! The bet is still on! I can't believe you, Zayn!"

"You couldn't have waited another hour for the attack of conscience?" Harry hisses in Zayn's ear as Louis storms back into their room.

"Sorry," Zayn stifles a giggle.

"Laugh it up, Zayn. If you had just kept your mouth shut Liam could be blowing you right now."

Suddenly it's not funny any more.

"Now that was just mean," Zayn says to the door Harry's just slammed behind him.


	5. Enter Gemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably one or two more short chapters to go.

Gemma is less sympathetic than Harry had hoped.

"Ewww...I don't want to hear about you and Louis' sex life!"

"That's the problem, Gemma! We don't have one!"

"Harry, this is completely your fault. I'm just glad you lot didn't drag Niall into your stupid bet."

"Ugh. Don't remind me that you two are sleeping together."

"I will. And it's going to get graphic pretty quickly if you don't shut up about how great Louis is in bed."

"You're my sister! You are supposed to be on my side with stuff like this!" Harry sulks.

"Aww. Nope. I'm pretty sure sex bets are not covered the official big sister sympathy handbook."

"It's a no-sex bet."

"Also not covered."

"There's no handbook, Gemma."

"That's what you think. Now go get dressed. We're going mini-golfing."

"I don't want to," Harry whines. "Stop poking me, Gemma. I'm serious."

"Ugh. Fine. If you go get ready right now I'll help you end the bet."

"Really!? You think you could?"

"Of course," Gemma scoffed. "It's not like you lot are geniuses."

"I should be offended but at this point I don't care."

"Go get dressed, Harry."

-x-

Liam really didn't think he would be the one to break first. In retrospect, this was a stupid assumption. He's dating Zayn Malik, for fucks sake. Zayn could probably turn a straight guy using only his eyelashes. And make angels cry, possibly.

Liam isn't thinking very clearly at this point, which is why he agrees to meet with Gemma and Harry.

"Did we need to do this in a closet?"

"Shhhh! Keep your voice down, Liam," Harry hisses dramatically.

"Harry, that's my mouth," Gemma says in a muffled voice.

"Sorry, Gem. Ew, you didn't have to lick my hand! I was moving it!"

"Not fast enough. Now shut up. Do you want to tell Liam the plan or not?"

"Plan?" Liam asks, alarmed. As awful as this bet is, he doesn't think the solution to his problems is going to be cooked up by the Styles siblings.

"Gemma came up with a brilliant plan, Liam!"

_Great,_ Liam thinks.

"Shhh!" Gemma grabs both of them and practically tackles them to the ground. "Someone's coming!"

They all three stop breathing for a minute.

"Do you think they're gone?"

"Harry? Is that you?" Louis' voice says from outside the closet.

"Oh well done," Gemma hisses, swinging her arm out and managing to whack Liam in the face on her way to Harry.

"Gemma?" Louis opens the door, taking in the three of them crouched on the floor. "Do I want to know?"

"Evening, Louis," Gemma says, using Harry and Liam's shoulders to stand up. She brushes her jeans off casually, pushes past Louis, and walks away. Harry grins up at Louis and then _climbs_ him.

"I'm still here!" Liam exclaims, as Harry grabs Louis' ass and slides up his body at the same time. Neither of them responds.

Liam is seriously ready for this bet to be over.


	6. Gemma's Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being the worst about updating. I was going to finish this all in one thing but it's nearly 3 am and I have class tomorrow. Oops. Probably one or two chapters to go, then.

Less than an hour later, Liam gets a text from Harry.

_gem says come to nialls room now_

He sighs, thinking fondly of the days when he had enough dignity to not get involved in harebrained schemes. Stupid X Factor. Stupid Louis. Stupid Harry. Stupid, smelly One Direction.

_coming_

A pouty Niall is slumping out of the hotel room when Liam gets there.

"What's wrong?"

"Been kicked out."

"Aww. Why?" Niall shrugs.

"Gemma says she doesn't want to 'compromise the integrity of the no-sex-bet-commissioner with the conversation that may or may not be about to occur in this very hotel room.'"

"May or may not be about to occur?" Liam asks, amused. Niall grins.

"I dunno. 'M gonna find Zayn and Louis," he says, ambling off. Harry peeks his head out the door and attempts to simultaneously gesture to and shush Liam. He succeeds in hitting himself in the face and then looking mildly annoyed at his own limbs. Liam follows him into the room, dread settling in the pit of his stomach as Harry locks and chains the door dramatically.

"Finally. I'd like to spend some time with my boyfriend at some point. I do have stuff going on other than helping you idiots." But Liam can tell she's excited about her plan. Oddly enough, this doesn't make him feel calmer.

"Gemma's come up with a really brilliant idea," Harry says, eyes lighting up. This also doesn't help Liam's nerves.

"Please, it's not _brilliant_ ," Gemma waves her hand in a queen-gesturing-to-the-peasants kind of way. "Now," she bounces to her feet, "who do you think is the weaker target? Zayn or Louis?" Harry and Gemma both look at Liam, who sputters a bit.

"I…I don't know? What- I thought you had a plan?"

"This is part one of the plan," Gemma says, with exaggerated patience. "Now answer the question."

"I mean, that's kind of the point of the bet, isn't it? To figure that out?"

"That's what I told her. She said it was 'not an acceptable answer.'" Gemma rolls her eyes.

"Right. I'm starting to see how you got into this situation in the first place. You're all idiots. A band of idiots."

"Ha! You just called your boyfriend an idiot!"

"Proving my point, Harry."

"Heyyy!" Liam flops back onto the bed as the Styles' start bickering. It quickly escalates when Harry flicks Gemma's forehead and she retaliates by putting him in a headlock.

"Harry! I'm trying to help you. Now shut up."

"Sorry." She rolls her eyes and lets him go.

"Now! The plan! Since neither of you two have an opinion, I say we go for Zayn. He's less likely to be suspicious because Liam has that I'm-so-wholesome-I-couldn't-possibly-be-plotting-against-you thing going on."

"Thanks?" Liam isn't sure if she means this as an insult or a complement. Gemma ignores him and keeps going, gathering steam.

"The jealousy ploy almost worked last time, right? So we're going to do that again."

"But won't they be suspicious? I mean, it was Zayn's idea."

"Not if you follow my plan," Gemma says, confidently. "The trick is to wind him up beforehand and then to make it look like you're going farther with Harry than you actually are." Her eyes are glinting and Liam is both mildly terrified and kind of attracted to her. It's been a weird couple of weeks, Liam's-dick-wise.

"I don't know. Doesn't this mean we're going to lose the bet? I really don't want to tell Perrie about the shirts…"

"Well, I guess you have to decide if it's worth it." Gemma leans against the wall and smirks at him and, yeah, Liam can definitely see the sibling resemblance now.

Liam tries to think about how annoyed Perrie will be, but it seems so distant and remote when he thinks about getting in Zayn's pants again. He likes to believe he is good at delayed gratification, but there's delayed gratification and there's nearly two weeks without an orgasm. So.

"Okay. I'm in."


	7. Lirry?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DOES THIS KEEP GETTING LONGER.  
> This chapter is dedicated to the two lovely people who commented. I adore you.  
> This chapter is also dedicated to napping Harry Styles' jawline in that behind-the-scenes Macy's video. Life changing.
> 
> [Seriously watch it.](http://likeavandal.tumblr.com/post/68228933983/macys-behind-the-scenes)

Liam is never going to underestimate Gemma Styles again.

She plans the whole thing with alarming precision, from what he's supposed to be wearing and where he is meant to be to exactly how many sit-ups he is supposed to have done before Harry and Zayn 'wander' by.

"Twenty-two seems like sort of a random number, Gemma."

"I have my reasons," she says as Liam unlocks his room. He does a quick sweep to make sure Zayn isn't there and then comes back out for Gemma and Harry.

"Coast is clear."

"Good. Harry, try to look casual. You remember the signal if you see Zayn?"

"Kick the door twice and stall him for at least thirty seconds."

"Exactly." He beams.

Harry had initially been quite upset when he had been told he wasn't allowed to accompany them into the room.

"But I want to help pick out Liam's seduction outfit!"

"We don't need you."

"Yes you do! I'm great at seductive outfits!" Gemma snorted at this. "I am! Liam! Tell her how good I am at picking sexy clothing!"

"Um. Harry's great at picking sexy clothing."

"Harry you aren't coming. Anyway, I have an important job for you."

"Oh," he perked up instantly.

"You're going to be lookout."

"Lookout! That's the worst job!"

"No it's not. It's important. How are we going to explain it if Zayn walks in on me with a naked Liam?"

"Naked?" Liam asks, alarmed.

"Ooo that's a good point. Fine. I accept your mission. I will be the best lookout ever."

"Naked!?"

-x-

Gemma does, fortunately, allow him to change in the bathroom.

"Do you have a spray bottle?" she asks as he comes out for the fourth time.

"Uh, I don't think so. Sorry."

"Hmm." Her eyes light up when she sees him. "Yes! Those are the ones. No shirt, though."

"Gemma, I'm not going outside in just shorts."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm…"

"Zayn! There you are!" they hear as Harry awkwardly kicks the door. "I've been waiting for you!"

"Really?" Zayn sounds a bit skeptical. Gemma tosses a pair of sweatpants at him before narrowing her eyes.

"Forty minutes," she mouths, before heading out to the balcony.

"Yep. Wanted to know if you wanted to come play FIFA with me."

"Uh, sure? Why didn't you just text me."

"Wow! That's so smart Zayn. I didn't think of that." Liam goes to rescue Harry before he completely blows their cover. He opens the door as Zayn is reaching to swipe his key, making the other boy stumble back in surprise.

"Oh, hey Liam. Wait…Liam? Why didn't you let Harry in?"

"Uh…"

"I bet he was sleeping," Harry says.

"Yep. That was it. Taking a nap."

"Okay…" _You weirdos_ is implied.

"FIFA! You in, Liam?" Harry asks with false heartiness and more than a touch of panic.

"Definitely. Let's go to your room." Zayn looks even more confused, but allows them to tug him down the hall.

-x-

Liam manages to slip away and find Gemma once the other four are engrossed in the game.

"Right. Shirt and sweats off. You kept the shorts on under, right?"

"Yep."

"Good," she makes a little _get on with it_ motion with her hand.

"Here?"

"Yes, Liam. Here. Come on, we haven't got all day." Liam reluctantly strips down to his shorts, handing her the rest of his clothing. Gemma produces a spray bottle from behind her back and starts spritzing him.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Liam asks, jumping in surprise.

"Hold still. Your abs need to glisten."

"Where did you even get that from?"

"Lou had one." Gemma tilts her head to admire her handiwork. Then nods once. "Right, get out into the courtyard and get ready."

"It's freezing outside."

"It's not that cold and Zayn and Harry should only be about five minutes. You'll survive."

"Can't I have my shirt back?"

"You're going to miss them, hurry up!" Liam sighs and does as she says. The fans outside go completely mad when they see him, and security looks like they're wondering if he's finally lost it, but Liam is on a mission. A mission to do twenty-two sit-ups and then snog Harry Styles for a bit, apparently.

-x-

"Zayn, why don't we go for a stroll around the hotel?" Louis and Zayn both seem a bit confused when Harry speaks. They look even more confused when Niall bursts out laughing. He sobers abruptly when Harry pokes him in the side and glares.

"Right. You should go, Zayn. Stretch your legs a bit."

"Why don't we all go?" Louis isn't sure what's going on, but if someone is up to something he would like to be involved.

"No!" Harry exclaims. "I mean….I just wanted to talk to Zayn about something," he tacks on lamely.

"Okay," Louis says slowly, "I'l just hang out with Niall, then."

"Thanks, boobear," Harry says, tackle-snuggling Louis. "I'll miss you." Zayn looks on in disgust as they start whispering and giggling. Niall uses everyone's distraction to take Harry's seat.

"Harry, are you coming or not?" Zayn is so done with this bet. It's made Harry and Louis even more unbearably coupley AND Zayn isn't getting any. Whose idea was this anyway?

"Yeah I'm coming," Harry says, nuzzling into Louis' neck and then springing up, nearly knocking Niall to the floor in the process.

"Watch your elbows, Styles!"

"Sorry."

-x-

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Zayn asks as they leave the hotel.

"Oh, uh. I was just…I mean. That is…oh hey! It's Liam! Let's go see Liam!"

"Is Liam…wait, what is he doing?" Zayn's voice goes high-pitched at the end.

"Wow." Harry breathes out, only playing it up a little for Zayn's benefit. Liam sort of looks like he wants to sink into the ground, but he is also very shirtless and very…glisten-y. Zayn is blatantly staring.

Liam casually rolls to his feet and ambles over to them, backed by a renewed bout of screaming.

"Zayn. Harry." He passes them and walks back into the hotel. Zayn is still staring into space when Harry follows Liam a minute later.

-x-

Gemma is, unsurprisingly, right inside the door.

"Phase two! Phase two!" she hisses, diving at Harry.

"Oh, right!" Harry exclaims.

"Can't I at least warm up for a minute?" Liam protests.

"Harry will warm you up. Hurry up! Zayn's going to be here any second and I don't want all my planning to go to waste!" Gemma grabs both their arms and starts towing them over to the elevators, hitting the close door button right as Zayn enters the lobby. "Shirt off, Harry. Now remember, stay out in the hall. If you're in the room, he'll catch on too quickly. I've texted Niall to make sure and keep Louis out of the way. Harry, I'll meet you there after with your shirt." The elevator doors open and Gemma shoves them both out. "Go!"

Liam is regretting so many of his choices.


End file.
